A Story, and a Reminder

Disclaimer: this post does not contain a recipe. This post is about my eating disorder and recovery. It's a heavy read, so feel free to skip it.

I still struggle with food, even today. Some days I wake up and don't feel like eating at all. I wonder what happened to the skeletal girl with so much 'self-control'. I look in the mirror and cry at what I see. It's still there, lurking. And some days, try as I might, I can't get that voice to shut up, go away, revert back into the nothingness it once was, years ago. I always believed my eating disorder, or Ed. It tore me to shreds, but I believed him. I hung on to his every word, knowing that my body was no longer mine. It was his. For months, I struggled to keep up the image of progress, while I lost myself more and more each day. I wanted to get better, but I wanted to go lower. I wanted to look good, and depending on the day, "good" meant anything from healthy to skeletal. More often than not, I was hypnotized by the illusion that the more weight I lost, the more perfect my life would be. But it was a lie. It was all a lie. This flawless, ideal life I thought I led was just a mask for the hell that I endured each day.

It's tough to live with this day to day. Contrary to popular belief, recovery IS in fact a daily process. Anorexia is not something that just goes away like that once you've reached your goal weight. There's a reason why it's called a mental illness. It eats away at you, while forcing you to eat less. And then it withers whatever is left of your sanity away, eventually taking over your whole body and mind. It is a parasite. Ed, that is. That's what I call my eating disorder, anyway. It slowly, but actively kills you.

I don't mean to sound grim, but that's the raw truth of it. For me it is, anyway. I'm lucky enough to be at a point in my recovery that these days are slim.

Some things I live with today, I wonder if they weren't previously created by Ed that I had somehow internalized--like my lactose intolerance. I had always been terrified of cream, heavy cream. So I suppose I suddenly decided I couldn't have it anymore. I stopped having dairy slowly, and now I can't even have pizza without feeling nauseous. Was this really because of genetics, or because of Ed? There are so many of these that are still a part of my life that I'm realizing are because of my eating disorder. Healthy habits that Ed has tainted: drinking multiple cups of water per day, eating slowly, taking sips of water in between bites, listening to hunger cues and deciding whether or not they're 'worth it.' Ed has even destroyed mindful eating for me, which is why I'm going to a mindful eating retreat this summer to perhaps revive the proper mindset of this tactic.

On Wednesday, for my final project in a cultural psychology class, I read a paper. A paper I had written a year ago and had since edited. It could be called A Day in the Life. I've always been fairly open about my eating disorder, but this was the first time I had read something so personal out loud to a class of people I didn't know too well, some I didn't know at all. I shook while I read it, tearing up at parts that I both wished I could go back to and was relieved I could call my past. These were parts that I could not believe, in my rational mind, I had done. Things that made no logical sense, but things I did do. Things like living off of 1,400 calories...a week. Exercising until I passed out. Blacking out for periods of time in class and thinking that wasn't a problem. Eating three bites of watered-down broth and calling it a meal.


But the paper was met with approval, and I was glad I read it. Several people told me how courageous I was for reading it, and how much it helped them and opened their eyes. I was happy.

Truth be told, I don't believe that 'full' recovery is possible. But there is such a thing as maximum recovery. Days where you can wake up and just say "you know what, I'm gonna have a good day today!" I don't punish myself when I have setbacks! I simply reward myself when I don't. How do I do this? I give myself a sentence I deserve to hear, not something that Ed would say. I say "Thank you" to myself.


I know I'm recovering because some days, I wake up and feel great about myself. I look in the mirror and I do not see a whale, and I can smile. I eat normal meals and don't purge. I don't hope for a utopian recovery. I know this is not possible. All I can hope for is that the "thank you"s get more and more frequent, and that my sanity trumps Ed.


I bought this sign at Marshalls the other day (pictured at the end of this post). It's something my mother has been saying to me for quite some time, and I think I've finally internalized it. Sure, I may weigh more than I did a couple years ago, but damn, I work it. If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's that I always look classy. I love getting dressed up. Some people ask me why I dress so fancily for class, and I just respond, "Because I feel good when I do it."


That's the key to recovery--finding what's right for you, whether it be food, clothes, beauty, or mind. I encourage you to find your own niche, and then rock it. Perfection in itself is not perfection. It is not attainable. Imperfections remind us of who we are--unique individuals. You can either blend in with the crowd, or stand out and make an impression. I choose to make an impression...most of the time (for example, today I am not making an impression as I plan to stay in my room and in my pajamas until 9 PM).


My parents and grandpa are coming on Sunday, and I intend to show them just how far I've come!!


Much love,
Carina

Massaman Curry

Ever have those days where you go to sleep, and it seems like you've only just put your head down on the pillow when it's time to wake up?

Yeah. I had the opposite of that. I went to bed at 9pm last night. Woke up several times and then finally woke up at 7am. Feeling like crap. I had a feeling I was going to get sick--except it was the kind where you know it's coming on but you can't do anything about it. The worst. I got up to take a shower after waking up again at 9:30 and nearly fell over doing so. I started to get ready for my 11am class and actually did fall over doing so. It would've been funny if it had happened to someone else -___-

After a painful shower, Mama and I concluded that I could not go to class; that it would be best for me to just stay in and get some sleep on this dreary day. I couldn't have agreed more, although I would've given anything to be able to keep my head up and swallow without it feeling like a thousand razor blades went down my throat (slight exaggeration).

Anyway, since Sunday morning, my life has been pretty uneventful. Especially since I didn't leave my house today. But let's see...Sunday, I woke up, showered, did work, went to Marshalls, did more uneventful stuff.....and BAM! made massaman curry with Ellen. The perfect end to a great weekend. I love curry, but this was just out of this world. Coconut milk and peanuts? Count me in.

Massaman Curry à la Carina et Ellen


Ingredients

• 1 can full-fat coconut milk, not shaken
• 1 T green curry paste
• 1 T red chili paste
• 3 Thai chillies, chopped
• 2 T sugar
• 1 c peanuts
• 14oz. package extra firm tofu, drained and pressed
• 2 medium sweet potatoes, cubed
• small package baby portobello mushrooms, sliced (sorry Mama!)
• salt

Instructions

1. Chop peanuts in food processor until grainy.
2. Open can of coconut milk, scoop out coconut cream and fry with pastes and chillies.
3. Add vegetables and mix/sauté for a few minutes.
4. Add peanuts and the rest of the coconut milk and some water and let simmer.
5. Cut tofu into cubes--fry in a bit of oil and let drain on a plate with a paper towel. Add to curry.
6. Simmer for ~10 minutes and serve.

Simple as that! It's really quite good. I highly recommend making it...it's like everything I want in curry.

Alright, I just popped some advil so I'm gonna try to do some work before crashing. Enjoy!

Song of the Day-- "Excuse" by Big Freedia. A ridiculous song with an even more ridiculous video. I'm addicted. He came to perform at Wes a few weeks ago and it was crazy!

Recovery Link of the Day-- Hahah I love Tina Fey.

Sickly (yes I know that's an adjective),

Carina

Creamy Marinara Sauce and Weekend Snippets

My weekends start on Thursdays.

If you're a friend of mine at Wes, you've probably heard me say that about 3x/week (more than that). But it's because last year, I had 9 AM class every day--and this year, I arranged my schedule to have no class earlier than 11, and no classes on Fridays. Yet, I still manage to be late to my 11 o'clock class.

With 2 tests, many response papers, a 10-page paper, figuring out who's living in the house next year, it was tough to squeeze in some cooking this week. But, being a college student, I've had to master the art of fast cooking without it tasting like Easy Mac.

When I want to do this, I turn to pasta. Sauce is so awesome--just fry some onions, add tomatoes, spices, lots of garlic, and you've got a hot pot o' sauce going (lol Carl Weathers).

Now, when I wake up during the week, I usually want something sweet. But for some reason, when I wake up on the weekend, I want, no, need something savory. Usually I'll just go to Usdan for an omelette, but this morning when I woke up I could not be bothered to make myself look presentable, nor walk across campus (when can I ever be bothered to do that?).

Anyway, when I woke up, I was feeling adventurous, so I decided to add a secret ingredient to the mix. I wanted a creamy marinara sauce, something I hadn't had in forever, so I thought (/looked up a recipe)...what do I always use when I want to make something creamy? Then the answer (or maybe the sunlight....) hit me like a ton of bricks--tofu.

My mother is particularly grossed out by tofu. It's probably because she doesn't have any Asian blood in her, cause my dad and I love tofu (or maybe our taste buds are just different). I particularly have taken a liking to it this past year, realizing how very versatile it is. I've used it in soups, stir-fries, desserts, even frosting! So it didn't faze me that this pasta sauce included tofu. All I wanted was something creamy to stir into my pasta.

And so I made it. And it was delicious. The perfect quick Sunday morning recipe. I got it from Edible Perspective, a food blog with gorgeous photography. I didn't make any changes so I'll just link to the recipe: Creamy Marinara Sauce.

"How did you get it so creamy????"

I highly recommend you make it, whether or not you're in a fix. Plus, this also goes great as an accompaniment for tortilla chips. I tried it. You can pretty much use it on anything. I love versatile recipes like this.

Kinda looks like vodka ('vokka') sauce, which is my cousin Elyse's 'favorite' food.

As for the rest of the weekend...

Thursday kicked off Wesleyan Students for Justice in Palestine's Palestine Awareness Week! We had a panel of students giving first-hand accounts of their experiences in Palestine, accompanied by traditional Palestinian dishes. I volunteered to cook along with some other people were were my sous-chefs, and we made....

Mjaddara, a traditional Levantine dish with rice, lentils, olive oil, and caramelized onions...

Falafel...

And baklava cups! (These particular ones were made with toasted pecans and walnuts and topped with a honey sugar drizzle).

Ellen enjoyed the filling quite a bit.

And so did everyone at the talk! It was a lot of fun cooking, and the experiences told were so intense and interesting.

Then yesterday the Columbia Dabke Brigade paid us a visit and gave us a wonderful performance and tutorial! Dabke is traditional Palestinian dance literally meaning 'stamping of the feet.' It is commonly used as a form of resistance. The tutorial was great--even I could do some basic steps by the end! And that's saying a lot. Everyone was all dancing together :D

Apparently my aunt tried to teach my siblings and me when we were little. Looks like I don't remember...I'm trying to picture my dad doing dabke, as he claims he knows how to do it. I can't imagine it.

Song of the Day-- a fun dabke song! Check it out if you want to see what dabke looks like :)
Recovery Quote of the Day-- "When you seek beauty in all people and all things, you will not only find it, you will become it." I have a pair of earrings that have a similar quote in Arabic engraved on them.

Alright, time to clean my room. I'm glad I could procrastinate just a little bit longer. Enjoy this lazy Sunday!

Lazily,
Carina